Extraterrestrial Forensic Portrait Catalogue

A blog documenting my journey through life and the search for connection through human experience.

recent posts

    • Morning Thoughts – Physical vs. Mental Health vs. Finances

      I actually got some decent sleep last night! That was very needed but I’m struggling a bit this morning.

      I was bit by a tick a couple of weeks ago and likely have lyme disease. It presented with a large bullseye rash and I visited a minute clinic for antibiotics. Thankfully I haven’t had any other symptoms than the rash but I’m still worried about the possibility of long term effects. I’ve only got two more days of antibiotics left so I’m trying to get a refill because I can’t afford another doctor visit. It would be a choice between that or a month + of therapy because I just don’t have the money. And if I chose the doctor visit then I would still have to wait a couple weeks to get enough money together which would be bad with possibly still having and infected rash. With my eating disorder I don’t need a lot of groceries but I know myself well enough to know that I might choose just not to eat for a couple weeks so I can do the doc appointment, and that’s not okay. Without being able to afford therapy then the decision to do that would be easier since I wouldn’t have the support necessary to work through those intrusive thoughts. I am already the smallest I’ve ever been since childhood and it’s not healthy.

      I just don’t know what to do in a situation like this. Healthcare is unattainable here and I don’t have finances for both physical and mental health. Even mental health I’m only doing the bare minimum since I can’t afford psychiatry and my bipolar meds and regular blood testing required with that medication. Thankfully my therapist does my weekly sessions at an extreme discount out of the kindness of their heart but even that doesn’t allow me to pursue any other healthcare. I haven’t had a regular check up in over 15 years and the few doctor visits I’ve done are only in cases of extreme illness.

      Thankfully my son has insurance through his dad’s employer so he always has access to what he needs but I feel bad that I can’t guarantee my health to be there for him too. With this unexpected health event my brain is running in circles of what to prioritize and financials are already stretched to the max with just monthly bills and groceries cost double what they did a couple years ago. Ugh. I just don’t know how anyone lives comfortably with everything like this.

      Someday I’d just like the be able to pay monthly bills, buy groceries, have reliable transportation, and take care of my health. It’s just not an attainable goal right now even working full time and living extremely frugally. I have generally good physical health, excellent credit, and an overall happy life but I’d still like the comfort of basic needs being met. It feels like a lot to ask for with the world the way it is currently and I know there’s a lot of people out there going through these struggles which is very sad.

      I guess there’s not a lot of positivity to leave this on a good note today but I hope everyone with these struggles is able to work through it and I hope to do so too. Stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – Data versus Morality

      Good Morning!

      I’ve been spending some time rewatching old Hawaii five-0 episodes lately. My dad and I used to watch it when I was little and I always loved it. The drama, cases, characters, style, and cars! It’s such a good show and there’s not an episode that goes by where I’m bored. This morning I watched the episode about the computer killer. It was so interesting to see parallels between the times then and modern struggles in regards to computers and morality.

      There was a software engineer who was feeling used by the company he was working for as they asked for more work and only really delivered praise to him while the owners made tons of money off of his ingenuity. He ended up making awful decisions and using his expertise to go out and murder people in order to get someone off a murder charge in exchange for a lot of money to get out of his job. Although I can’t support his actions there was definitely some sympathy for the devil as we see this all of the time. People being used by big tech companies and nothing to show for it other than meaningless praise and often times now they’re being replaced by the technology that they helped to develop. It’s a mess.

      In the end Steve McGarrett said something that I feel on a deep level is still relevant now, maybe quite a bit more than it was at the time. “You know, all we can expect from a computer is information. It is just a piece of hardware, no values, no morality. But our society is concerned with people, and we expect much more from them.”

      That really made me think. It’s something that is so human to express and I’m sure has been expressed over and over again through history as technologies develop and change. It’s a struggle and where do we draw the line between using technology at the expense of our morals as humans? I think about this a lot and the push of society that put people into situations where they are comfortable forsaking morality for advancement and ease of access to information. Especially now that generative ai is at the forefront of so many advancements. There’s not any oversight on the information that it’s compiling and I’m seeing so many people willing to just accept it as truth since it came from a computer versus looking into the sources. Maybe it’s an ignorance is bliss thing.

      Anyway, definitely give Hawaii five-0 a chance if you haven’t watched any. There’s a lot of overlap in themes that relate to modern issues and the characters really are interesting with lots of fun cases to work through. It’s dated but clearly has a heart to it that makes me come back time and again. I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I do.

      I hope you all have a great day and stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – Oops I’m a morning person

      Optimism is somehow easier for me in the mornings. Today is my day off from work and I woke up looking forward to my household duties and the possibility of time for working on creative projects.

      I’m one of those morning people who typically wakes up at my fullest capacity for the day. I honestly don’t know other morning people, although my son wakes up similarly but I’m not sure how he would classify himself in those regards. Most of the people I’m surrounded by are in the same or a similar field of work to me so they are able sleep in, since our workday starts at noon, and yet they still wake up groggy and grumpy.

      Sometimes I feel very disconnected from others because of things like that. Another example, I prefer the hottest summer day to any day with temperatures lower than 75° F. This time of year when fall is ramping up and temperatures are cooling significantly I always feel out of the loop. So many people will tell me how happy they are about the temperature change like I’m automatically going to agree and when I say that I prefer the hotter weather they say things like “ew, how can you stand that?” I’m not really sure how to respond in these situations. I could just nod and agree at their initial statement, I guess, or maybe let them know I’m happy they’re enjoying the change. This is all trivial but when you hear it almost daily it’s another thing on the list of “why don’t I fit in?”

      I guess these are silly things to focus on in any capacity. I think what’s really getting to me is the repetitiveness and jokes accidentally made at my expense because others automatically assume there’s nobody who feels opposite of them. I want everyone to enjoy life, be comfortable, and feel like we can all relate so I guess people assuming I feel the same should mean that they see me as someone who fits into their mold. I’m okay with that. That’s kind of a nice thought.

      Stay curious!

    • Evening Thoughts – No power but the battery is holding strong (Written 10/17)

      I’m sitting in the dark house waiting for whatever is wrong with the electricity to be repaired.  We were the first house to report it so I was worried it was something exclusive to us but seems to be the whole neighborhood now.

      The air conditioner is out at the shop so we came home early because the heat in there would not be conducive to tattooing. I was getting light headed every time I stood up so had a full sugar soda for once to last through the time we were there. I’ve barely made any money this week so it stinks that I had to reschedule both of my appointments today.  Thankfully they were both understanding but there’s still no eta on when the ac will be repaired.  The landlord should be getting back to us soon.  It will be significantly cooler the next couple days so hopefully I’ll be able to take care of my appointments over the weekend.  I’ll send out a notice just in case tonight.  I don’t want clients making the trip out if they aren’t going to be comfortable getting tattooed in a shop with very little air flow.

      In addition to all of that, my roommates’ only car blew it’s engine out of nowhere this week.  The cost to rebuild the engine is so high they will likely look into a different car instead.  So now we’re using my car until they can figure out how to get something new with awful credit.  Although my credit is good I’m not going to intertwine my financial life with theirs anymore than it already is by helping with that can of worms.  Their car had finally been fully paid off a couple months ago so that really sucks.  Also, they just had to buy a bunch of necessities for their kids and a new coop for their chickens before winter.  The expenses keep piling up and there’s just not enough money to make it all smoother.

      Out of everything in life I’d say that working all the time and still barely making enough money to scrape by with no buffer for emergencies is really the hardest thing.  I know there are so many people going through the same struggles and I’ve been in worse situations than I am currently so I am grateful for what I have but I question if it will every get easier.  I feel for my son’s future.  I feel for my roommates and their kids.  I feel for all the people who can’t catch a break and are constantly on high alert about what is going to happen to them if one more financial burden drops.

      During the covid epidemic I was out of work for a couple months because our shop was closed.  I had a little savings prior to that and they got me through that but since then, with living expenses going up so drastically, I’ve not been able to recover that cushion. It’s disheartening and scary.

      Aside from all of that I can say that I’m in the best spot I’ve experienced in my 40 years.  I have a wonderful, smart, compassionate son.  I have roommates who are an amazing chosen family.   I have family and friends, a roof over my head, food, and a job I love.  So in the end life is worth keeping going but the struggles are stacking against anyone who doesn’t have money.  I hope in the coming years we will see changes that ease these worries for the general populace.

      I hope.  Stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – Disoriented dream after a restful day

      Good Morning!

      Yesterday I got some extra sleep for once so, of course, last night was not a good sleep night. I’ve always had pretty detailed dreams and this one was definitely related to multiple things happening in the world right now.

      The dream started out with me setting up a booth at a 3 day art show. It was huge production with so many booths of all different types and even some large showroom areas with permanent set ups. I think we were in the mountains somewhere and during the daytime it was a very fancy and charming small town fair type of setup. After setting up my booth and working for a few hours I took a break to stroll and check out what others were selling. A close friend of mine was there to watch the booth while I was off wandering. When I returned he had scooted all of my things to the back and taken over most of the booth to sell random things from his father’s business. It was bizarre and felt so unreal like dreaming in a dream. Everything looked distorted and I felt so overwhelmed and out of it trying to figure out what was going on. We had a fight about it and I told him he would have to pay for the booth space since he took it over.

      I don’t remember all the details of the argument but it was intense. There was someone else there who I vaguely felt I knew. We argued as well and for some reason I bit her hand when she was waving it in my face. She seemed like that’s what she was trying to get to happen and wasn’t even angered. There was a lot of blood and I kept wiping it from my mouth but it didn’t get clean for a long time. Side note, I’ve been a pescatarian for 28 years because I can’t stand the thought of blood in my mouth. So that was extremely uncomfortable for me.

      After the altercations some of the show runners came around and said we had a very short time to pack everything up for the night and we’d have to do that each night before leaving so they could clean. This was never mentioned before. It was very stressful and we weren’t able to leave to grab our packing materials so we had to squish everything into whatever we had there.

      Once I had most packed I went on a walk. I was still angry and overwhelmed and it was dark out and others were clearly in distress too. I got very lost and there were big hills to get up and down while I was trying to get back. There was a woman with a baby and she fell with the baby but was okay thankfully. I almost left her there which was so uncomfortable to feel like I had to but I didn’t. I stayed with her and held the baby a bit to make sure they were okay then went back to trying to find my way.

      I eventually made it to one of the big showroom buildings but was still very disoriented and lost. It felt like there were a lot of others lost too but workers that didn’t feel like anything was wrong. Eventually, after a long confusing walk, I found my way back to the booth. One of the show workers came by and questioned me about pencils. It was weird but one of the main shops was saying that I came by and stole some. I knew that I didn’t but had no way to back it up other than my word. The cameras in the shop backed up that it wasn’t me but I felt bad any ways.

      Shortly. after that I woke up around 5:00 am, an hour before my alarm goes off. I managed to sleep a little in that last hour but it was restless and I am pretty exhausted already today.

      That dream was such a whirlwind of emotions and I could analyze it here but it’s complicated and I definitely understand the feelings and experiences and how they relate to my living experience. I’m thankful for the extra sleep from yesterday but that was quick confirmation that I should just stick to my regular schedule and not nap.

      Maybe I’ll have some more interesting dreams soon to share here. Hopefully some fun ones versus overwhelm. When I was a kid I dreamed about being a pirate a lot. I loved those dreams and the freedom that I got from them. My friends and I were big fans of the pirates from Peter Pan. I could write a lot about all of that but I’ll save it for another day.

      I hope your rest is easier and full of beautiful dreams! Stay curious!

    • Evening Thoughts – Disgruntled and disappointed

      I’ve been feeling pretty down since yesterday. I can’t fathom how AI has infiltrated the mainstream masses so easily that people aren’t willing to take a few minutes to explain a design idea to me and would instead rather spend their time speaking with a chat bot to create a wholly unusable tattoo design. I’m doing everything I possibly can to remain calm and unaffected, while not shaming my clients for their usage, and explain how it’s not possible to work with “their design.”

      It’s getting to the point where every other request I receive is something that I have to spend so much time explaining how it won’t work and what is possible that by the time we get to actual creating a nice custom piece I’m feeling thoroughly checked out of any passion for my job. I worked so hard to get into this career and suffered so much abuse and hardships because I genuinely care about it but now it’s becoming such a burden. I’m having to battle people on what is doable according to a computer and they are perfectly comfortable disregarding my years of experience and fighting me with no knowledge, but as if they’ve already consulted some higher being full of unquestionable knowing. It’s extra tough when it’s coming from clients who have been coming to me for years.

      I know creatives across the board are feeling this and I will continue the fight and try to do so with compassion and not lose my love of my career and the wonderful people who want to decorate their bodies as they see fit but it is not easy. It’s disheartening and sad.

      I know so many artists who have strict no AI policies for their clients. At this point I’m heavily considering it but trying to think of a way to express that without hurting people’s feelings and making them feel shame even though I think they should. I definitely understand why people are gravitating towards these tools but I cannot morally, ethically, or creatively participate for my own sake as a free thinker and artist.

      I guess I just needed to get this off my chest and go from here. Hopefully I’ll be able to put together a policy that will bring attention to this issue with people that otherwise may not realize what a strain it is on their artists. I want to approach it with compassion and hopefully receive compassion in return.

      Thanks for reading and stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – Uncertain and buzzing

      Whew, what a wake up today. I just got a surprise water bill and it’s bad. I’ve contacted our management company to check what’s going on and suspect it’s the water pump failing as we’ve had an issue earlier in the year too and they didn’t even check that. It just stinks because, as most are, we are struggling just to make it by. It’s wild as a middle aged woman in a full time career that basic living expenses require that I live in a two family home and we still can’t attain any financial stability or cushion.

      I adore my roommates and their kids so it’s not a horrible situation for us to live together and having a little chosen family is so rewarding and fun. It’s just scary that we’re so stuck in dependence and if the state of living expenses continues to go up we may need to bring in more people in the next couple years just to get by. We’re 2 families, 6 people, in a single family home and at this rate we could end up needing an additional income just to meet the minimums of basic needs. All of the adults work full time and have so far managed to scrape by but it’s just looking so bleak.

      Someday I’d love a little piece of land with a very small house so I could live the rest of my life hobbit-style with basic needs met and the comfort of having a space that isn’t managed by someone other than myself. I don’t need a lot at all. I’d love a small garden that isn’t stuck in pots for transport. I’d love a space where I could celebrate life with vibrant colors and comfortable stability. I know that it’s extremely unlikely that space will every be realized but it’s nice to dream. For now I’m going to enjoy my chosen family, our little imperfect home, and having others around to understand and support.

      Stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – Back into the digital void

      Hi Everyone!

      It’s been a long time! I have been fairly disillusioned from writing for the majority of the year. Working and trying to scrape by (financially, mentally, etc.) in this overly complicated world really put a damper on my motivation but I’m feeling ready to get back to it.

      I’ve decided to take this blog into a different direction and use it as a place to purely express my thoughts and feelings as I navigate life. I’ll surely have so many questions and would love to hear responses from anyone with input.

      A little update on this year since my last post: I’ve made vast improvements with my disordered eating and have maintained my current weight for around two months! I’m sure that therapy has been helping and I was reaching a point that my body was shutting down more frequently and not allowing me to maintain my normal lifestyle so I had no choice but to prioritize giving it the fuel necessary to work, live, and support my family. It’s still a struggle but so much better.

      Work has been steady for me throughout the Summer months but I’m happy for the Fall lull to be hitting now. I’ve been craving more time to work on passion projects and creating artwork for my own sake. Getting back to blogging is much easier now that I’m not constantly working and trying to upkeep my body to the bare minimum.

      In the coming weeks I hope to share some photos of painting projects that I’m planning on starting. Also, I have so much I’d like to write but I feel like it should be saved for separate posts. The rising reliance on AI is really affecting the whole world around me and mentally it’s been a struggle to understand how we’ve reached this point. In relation to art and common sense thinking there’s so much I’m disappointed about. I’ll get back to my thoughts on that in a post (probably multiple) soon.

      I guess that’s a good quick blog to get back to this. Hopefully everyone is having a good year and life is treating you all well! Stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – New year, same world

      Good Morning!

      It’s been awhile since I’ve gotten around to posting. The new year is here and I’ve picked up a lot of appointments at work so I’m staying busy. I really appreciate all my clients coming through with really great ideas for tattoos to start out this year! I spent my day off drawing for around 10 hours and then had a reschedule yesterday so spent the second half of the day also drawing to try to get ahead of my appointments. It’s refreshing having so many original ideas being pitched to me and I feel like this is going to be a really good year on the tattoo front!

      On a sad note, my ex husband’s grandfather passed last Saturday night. He was such a wonderful guy and both he and his wife always treated my like part of the family even after we separated. I love them both and he will definitely be missed. As I’m getting older I really am starting to feel overwhelmed with all of the people that I’ve known and loved that are no longer part of this physical world. I don’t really have a specific afterlife ideology that I subscribe to so for me it’s important to keep them in my heart and remember them through actions in my everyday life. I always wonder how others handle loss when they don’t have a deep seated belief in an afterlife, reincarnation, or some other such life after death? For me I feel there is some beauty in fitting so much into something as short and temporary as life.

      I’ve been having significant sadness in relation to the current state of the world, politics, and the division of humanity as a whole. I know a lot of people are feeling this way but I’m not really sure how to address it at this point. I’m still doing weekly therapy to work on myself but I want to do more to help my communities and humanity as a whole. I don’t feel like humanity’s existence should be just based on capitalistic ideas and basic survival at this point in history. We’ve been around so long and it’s hard to understand how we keep coming back to divisive ideals and competitiveness. Why are we still fighting for basic human needs/rights?

      I guess there’s just a heaviness to the world that just never goes away and shifts into new issues or regurgitated prejudices that affect everything.

      Maybe someday we’ll figure it all out or maybe that would be too boring and our natures would inevitably turn back to it all. It’s all so much to think about and my mind is always racing with “whys” and “what ifs” but no solutions to the problems of the world on any larger scale than what I can do one on one in my daily interactions.

      Well, that’s that and I’ll keep working to make a difference where I can even if it’s small and insignificant. Stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – A little recap

      Good Morning!

      I took an extended break on posting to make it through the recent holiday and work through a couple of extremely busy weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time de-cluttering and re-organizing my side of the house and I’m not where I want to be just yet but definitely getting there. It’ll be nice to start the new year in a space that feels refreshed so hopefully I’ll get a bunch more done in my limited downtime between work and everyday responsibilities.

      I know the beginning part of the year is going to be a struggle to make it through. With one of my roommates going into an extended hospital stay (approximately a month and a half) I’ll be adjusting my work schedule to 4 days a week, going in early to keep the same amount of hours, in order to watch their toddler the remaining 3 days so their partner can work through this. I’m a little concerned about how I’ll manage my own mental health and finding some down time with such a rigorous schedule but I also typically adjust really well to having an over the top schedule. I’m glad to have a chosen family that I can be there for during tough times like this and I wouldn’t change that even though it’s going to be really hard on everyone.

      On my next day off I want to take some time and actually get some goals written down for the next couple months so that I can have a physical way to catalogue how I’m doing and motivate me to work on some projects that I want to spend time on. I mentioned doing something like that in a previous post and I think I’m at a point where I can actually sit down and think some of it through now that I’ve got a clearer picture of what is expected of me for the next couple months.

      Emotionally I’ve been very up and down over the past few weeks and I know a lot of others that have also been struggling. I can say, I had a lovely winter solstice and Christmas with my household and it was very nice not having the stress of traveling and interacting with extended family. I know that I’m the family weirdo and all but there’s so many times I visit where I come out feeling even more disconnected from them and I’m sure they feel something the same.

      I’ve been really feeling the itch to do some painting these past few days so hopefully I’ll be able to spare some time for that soon. Working on my personal creative outlets needs to be at the top of my beginning of the year goals. It’s definitely going to help having my space organized a bit better. I like having specific places for my supplies where I don’t just have to look at them sitting out and get overwhelmed and I can simply take out what I need in the moment. I typically have two tables set up for working in my living room since that doubles as my studio space but I’ve brought that down to one for the moment. If you are limited on space when creating I can’t say good enough things about cheap folding tables. They’re super light, inexpensive, and can be folded when not in use. I also use them for hosting dinners since I love cooking and we don’t have a designated dining table or a large kitchen island.

      I suppose that’s enough catching up for today. I feel a little better now that I was able to free flow some thoughts and breathe. Maybe I’ll have a more interesting post next time but for now I’m appeased.

      Stay curious!